Ninja Auditions

on January 15, 2010 in Misc


It has been suggested by a reader of this blog – someone who’s pretending to care about me but is in fact a sadistic voyeur – that I should try out for the Women of Ninja Warrior.

Oh sure.

The trouble is, this means I should get in there and run a freaky tough obstacle course in which I could bash my face or tumble into one of the multiple water tanks or in some other way publicly crash and burn.  I should compete with Olympian and professional athletes and ambitious everyday women to win the grand prize which is…  The title of Woman Ninja Warrior Champion.  That’s it.  I don’t think there’s any prize money or even a trophy.  I mean, I’d at least want a trophy.

And competing also means going up against the blond Playboy Playmate who hired a female Ninja veteran to train her and went on to compete and did very well before wiping out in the second round, but who promised to be back for the 2010 contest.  And while she talked the camera of course lingered on her sexy poses and perfect body and hooters which were firmly encased in what must have been a super-strength sports bra.

I’d have to go up against that?

I can just hear the Japanese announcer’s take on me as I step up to the plate.  “And now we have the oldest competitor ever!  She’s years older than all our former oldest competitors!  Is that cellulite on her thighs?  Oh gross.  Can we get the camera back on the Playmate?”

Oh, yeah.  That would really make me feel good.

Luckily for me, there’s no notice of upcoming women’s auditions, which I could only attend if like the men’s they’re held in August somewhere in southern California.  If instead they’re held in Japan, there’s absolutely no way could I afford to go.

Thus I’m saved by my near poverty.  And by the fact that Layla most likely wouldn’t participate in anything so public, not when she has to stay out of the limelight due to her many demi-monde contacts and her shady reputation with the authorities.

On the other hand, I myself don’t have any kind of reputation ‘cause I’m pretty much invisible.  So maybe I should indeed just say “What the hell!” and go for it.

But like I said, only if the auditions are in the U.S.

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