The Ultimate Interview

on July 22, 2013 in Misc

And now for something almost all of us writers fantasize about: a big time interview with the best possible questions.  The answers I’ve provided are the kind I wouldn’t mind giving.


QUESTION:  A review in The New York Times hailed your latest book as a Great American Novel.  What was your reaction?

WRITER:  I was deeply humbled and honored.  I also emailed copies of the review to anyone who has ever been mean to me, especially those hacks at Kirkus and Publishers Weekly.

QUESTION:  I understand it takes you a few years to write each of your novels.  Is that why they’re so brilliant?

WRITER:  You’re too kind.  Unfortunately, it did indeed take me a while to write my books because I worked full-time at an unrelated job.  However, now that my income has increased exponentially thanks to royalties, I am able to work full-time on my writing.

QUESTION:  And in your spare time?

WRITER:  Oh, the usual stuff – travel, adventure, performing great archeological feats, making love with Sven at our beach house on the island.

QUESTION:  I’ve heard you also bought a magnificent landed estate in Ireland.

WRITER:  What a silly rumor.  It’s just a little-biddy nineteenth-century castle with stables, servant quarters, and a few Pre-Raphaelite paintings hanging in the study, which doubles for the one you see on Downton Abbey.

QUESTION:  Were you surprised when the people behind the Dos Equis commercials – the ones featuring the most interesting man in the world – wanted to feature your novels as the most interesting books in the world?

WRITER:  No comment because we are in negotiation.

QUESTION:  Finally, is it true that top publishers are in a knock-down, drag-out bidding war over your next book, which hasn’t even been written, but they’re still willing to advance you five million dollars?

WRITER:  (Sigh)  Publishers can be so desperate, the poor things.


AND SERIOUSLY, FOLKS: Here’s my own favorite real life question and answer…  When Beth Henley won the Pulitzer Prize for her play Crimes of the Heart, an interviewer asked her what it meant for her to win the Pulitzer.  Henley replied, “It means no longer having to work in the dog food factory.”

I’d love to hear your own fantasy questions and answers.  I know you have some wild ones.

8 Responses to “The Ultimate Interview”

  1. Emailed the review to anyone who’d been mean to you – I like that!
    The reporter would ask me if Elon Musk was developing a teleporter for me. I’d have to say I’m not at liberty to say…

  2. I like your questions and answers. There’s no topping those. But the dog food factory answer is awesome.

  3. Helena says:

    Alex – Ah, c’mon, you can tell me about transporter…

  4. Helena says:

    Michael – Henley gave the perfect answer, I think.

  5. Hart Johnson says:

    HA! I love it! Love the idea, too, of the fantasy interview! I will have to think about doing one… being delusional, I should be able to manage a pretty good go!

  6. Helena says:

    Hart — I myself have learned to listen only to the friendly voices in my head.

  7. Every writer’s fantasy! And a great true answer to boot.

  8. Helena says:

    Carol – Yes, I’m snarky but honest.