Woman Dies in Freak Bat Cave Accident

on March 15, 2011 in Misc

By Tim Scuttlebutt for the New York Times
Published March 16, 2011

COLORADO – In what local law enforcement officials are calling “The most bizarre apparent suicide in the state’s history – and we’ve had some Jim-dandy weirdo deaths in these parts,” a woman was killed while spelunking naked in the state’s largest bat cave.

The cave, a former iron-ore mine located in the San Luis Valley, is home to more than 250,000 Mexican free-tailed bats.   Due to dangerous hazards common in abandoned mines, and because it is a protected habitat for bats, civilians are not allowed to approach the cave beyond the designated viewing area.

According to witnesses, before dusk on March 15, an unidentified woman stripped off her clothes and ran from the viewing area into the cave.

“She looked normal to us,” said Marvin Muggs, 52.  “Me and the wife saw her just ahead of us, hiking up from the trailhead.  Nice figure of a woman, I thought.  Normal face.  But then when we got to the spot where everyone’s supposed to stop – well, she didn’t.”

“It’s like she went bat-shit crazy,” said Betty Muggs, 50. “Suddenly she ripped off all her clothes and started screaming, ‘I’m free!’ and ‘No more crappy job!  No more relatives from hell! I’m going to fly away!’ Course she didn’t fly, she ran.”

“Hell bent for leather straight into the cave,” Mr. Muggs added. “And she also screamed something about no more rejection letters from agents or publishers.”

Officials report that the trail guide was about to pursue the woman when the bats began flying out of the cave.

“Let me tell you,” said wildlife biologist Fred Lemur, “when a quarter of a million bats are shooting out of a dark and evil-looking hole, you stay the heck out of their way and pray one of those rabid little suckers doesn’t take a nip at you.”

The column of bats during the out-flight continued for nearly an hour.  By the time rescue volunteers were able to enter the cave, there was no sign of the woman.

“We followed her footprints in the guano,” said Costilla County Sheriff Bob Bigschott.    “Damn stuff came up to our knees.  But I’m sorry to say it led straight to a mineshaft.   At first we thought maybe she survived the fall.  We even heard what sounded like a maniacal laugh.   But then it got dead quiet.   Like she just, you know.”  He drew his finger across his throat to imply suicide.

The name of the woman has been withheld pending notification of relatives.

28 Responses to “Woman Dies in Freak Bat Cave Accident”

  1. Laura says:

    I have copied the words “pelunking naked in the state’s largest bat cave” onto a large piece of paper and stuck it to my bedroom wall, just because it made me laugh so much… fabulously nutty entry:)

  2. Ah ha, death by guano! I love the newspaper formatting.

  3. Loved your story. Do you live in Colorado? Me too.

  4. Layla,

    This was one of the funniest entries I have read! WELL DONE! I like you style of writing. I’ll be visiting you often.


  5. Helena says:

    Laura — Nutty is best, and Hart’s naked domination inspired me too.

  6. Helena says:

    Holly — It’s a smelly way to go.

  7. Helena says:

    Nancy — I’m in Denver, and I’ve never been to that cave but maybe I’ll get there this summer. Where abouts are you?

  8. Helena says:

    Michael — And I’ll be returning the favor. So glad you liked it.

  9. Jan says:

    ah, I know who the woman is. Poor Hart – she’s getting killed all over the place!
    Jan Morrison

  10. alberta ross says:

    very funny – thanks

  11. Helena says:

    Jan — Actually, it was Hart’s evil twin. May the good Hart live forever!

  12. Helena says:

    Alberta — So glad if it made you laugh.

  13. Mara Nash says:

    I’ve read a couple of entries in this newspaper reporting format, and they’re so funny. “we’ve had some jim-dandy weirdo deaths in these parts,” and “spelunking naked in the world’s largest bat care,” had me snorting diet cherry pepsi. Of course when you said bat cave, I thought Bat Cave, and expected Batman to show up at any moment. But the footprints in the guano were much better. lol.

    Awesome entry.

  14. Helena says:

    Mara — Thanks so much. And sorry, ’cause anything carbonated up the nose hurts.

  15. Hart says:

    YAY! Adventure! Nudity! A little twist of the bizarre! Oh, this was fabulous, Helena! I think she actually managed to turn into a giant bat…

  16. Helena says:

    Hart — Thanks so much for hosting the Delusional Doom blogfest. It really is fun and I’m reading some great blogs today.

  17. Mary says:

    Bat-shit crazy. lol That was wonderful. I really like the photo, too.

  18. Helena says:

    Mary – Thanks, it was fun to write.

  19. Draven Ames says:

    Cute post. You had a start for a good little short novella. Bat woman comes back and gets the people in the mine. Creepy, how you ended it, and funny, how you started it. You did a good job, showcasing your talents as a writer. Looking forward to reading more of your writing.

    Draven Ames

  20. Mary says:

    Sick, choking laugh funny but still sick.

  21. Helena says:

    Draven — You want to read more? I can’t handle the pressure! Seriously, your own entry in the blogfest was profound, and I will definitely be reading more of your stuff.

  22. Helena says:

    Mary — Yes, it is sick. Now where did I put my medications…

  23. Ella says:

    Great detail; I love how batty she became and drove herself into the madness! Fun to read~

  24. Helena says:

    Ella – Personally, I’ve almost driven myself that batty.

  25. Ciara Knight says:

    This is awesome! I’m loving this blogfest.

  26. Helena says:

    Ciara — It really has been fun, hasn’t it?

  27. lisa fogarty says:

    nudity… wow… love it…I did mine like an article too.. but yours
    was much more believable.

  28. Helena says:

    Lisa – yours was fun. I liked the touch of the crow on the abandoned car.